-If you were on Twitter today,
you may have seen people sharing this video about
migrating tree frogs and — [ Sniffing ] I’m sorry. I could be wrong here,
but I think I smell some smoke. And that can only mean
one thing. It’s time for “Ya Burnt!” [ Cheers and applause ] Welcome to the Burn Zone. We got a lot of topics to sizzle
through and not a lot of time. Over here is the burner. Let’s turn on the gas
and load her up. Whoo! Chili con carne! First up, sledding. Hey, sledding, you combine
my two favorite things — having my legs broken and being at the bottom
of a massive hill with broken legs. Let’s be real.
Sledding is just an excuse for parents to shove their kid
down a hill without Child Protective
Services getting involved. Also, sledding, you require so much work
for 10 seconds of fun. You’re over faster than Michael Avenatti’s
presidential ambitions. Side burn, Avenatti. -Side burn! -Hey, sledding, I don’t have
time toboggan with you. Ya burnt! Chestnuts. It’s the most wonderful time
of the year, so let’s all gather around the trash fire
and cook acorns like hobos. I don’t care how long you roast
chestnuts on an open fire, they still taste like wet sand. Here’s a tip — if you’re a food
we only see once a year, that means nobody likes you. I’m looking at you,
cranberry sauce. -You’re just sour Jell-O! -Chestnuts, ya roasted,
and ya burnt! Elf on the shelf. You a snitch! Let’s just call this
what it is — a fun way to teach kids
they live in a police state. Also, how did you go from
something I’ve never heard of to dominating the world
in, like, five years? You’re the Cardi B
of holiday toys. -[ Imitates Cardi B chirp ] [ Laughter ] -Elf on the shelf,
go elf yourself. Ya burnt! Office holiday parties. You know all those people you spend 40 hours a week
pretending to like? Well, good news — they’re back.
And they’re drunk. Everybody’s here — the 60-year-old boss
who hits on the interns, the woman who never says hello
in the hallway but is now opening up
about her divorce, and, worst of all, the guy
who can’t wait to corner you in the bathroom to tell you
how much he respects you. -When you talk, people listen. -Office holiday parties, in lieu of a Christmas bonus
this year, ya burnt! Ah, hockey. The only sport that prides
itself on being unsafe. You’re the most dangerous thing
on ice since Tonya Harding. [ Laughter ] Also, Canada. Do you guys know you do
everything backwards up there? Down here, we have hot athletes
and ugly politicians. And you have Justin Trudeau,
and your athletes look like they’ve been cooking meth
in an abandoned middle school. Hey, hockey, stick it. Ya burnt! The parents from “Home Alone.” Okay, we get it. You left your
son home alone on Christmas. But let me get this straight. You don’t have a single Jewish
friend who was still in town over the holidays
who could go check in on him? Also, what’s the deal
with all the dangerous stuff you just have lying around
in your house? Your 8-year-old kid has access
to a blowtorch, a BB gun, wire, black tar, a tarantula,
and a crowbar. No wonder he turned into
a sociopath who lit Joe Pesci’s head on fire
without blinking an eye. -Head burn, Joe Pesci. -The parents from “Home Alone,”
ya burnt! Bethlehem innkeepers. Where do you get off
turning away a pregnant woman? You’re lucky Yelp wasn’t around
during the time of the Bible, or you would’ve been savaged. -One star! -Also, you sent them
to the manger?! Here is a tidbit
of common decency. If you run an inn
and a woman needs to give birth, maybe do better than the shack
where your goats eat. It’s disgusting,
and that’s coming from a guy whose wife gave birth
in the lobby of a New York City
apartment building. -True story! -Bethlehem innkeepers,
sorry, no vacancy. Ya burnt! “Love Actually.”
You are too long. You have too many story lines. And you’re more emotionally
manipulative than a text from my mom that says, “Haven’t
heard from you in a while.” You know what, “Love Actually”?
I love you, actually. From Colin Firth chasing down
the love of his life to Hugh Grant’s fantastic ass to the loveable schlub trying to win someone’s
affection with cue cards. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] “Love Actually,” you are
my favorite terrible movie, and that’s why you’re
this week’s Unburnable. Ascend to safety, you
tear-jerking son of a bitch. The song “12 Days of Christmas.” For someone who claims
to be my true love, you sure gave me
some terrible gifts. In fact, I’m going to have to
take these on one by one. It’s time for “The Blaze.” 12 drummers drumming.
Oh, just what I wanted. 12 hippies in a drum circle.
Ya blazed! 11 pipers piping. This is Christmas,
not a Scottish funeral. Ya blazed! 10 lords a-leaping? How about you leap
in front of a moving truck? Ya blazed! 9 ladies dancing. Let me guess —
too much wine at book club? Ya blazed. 8 maids a-milking.
I think I rented that once. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Ya blazed! 7 swans a-swimming.
Go duck yourself. Ya blazed. 6 geese a-laying.
Go flock yourself. Ya blazed. 5 golden rings? What am I — Liberace?
Ya blazed. 4 calling birds.
No one calls anymore. Shoot me a text or F off.
Ya blazed. 3 French hens. French hens?
This is America, pal. We call ’em freedom chickens.
Ya blazed. 2 turtle doves.
Are you a turtle or a dove? Pick one, bitch. Ya blazed. A partridge in a pear tree? I got a bird for ya
right here, buddy. Ya blazed.
[ Buzzer ] Oh, that buzzer means
we’ve run out of time. Looks like you’ll have to wait
until the next one. This has been “Ya Burnt!”