SURFE DE TITÃS – CAMPEONATO DE SURF PARA MENDIGOS


Hey, dudes! We’re back with
“Homemade Surfing Titans with Valdemar the Cameraman
and Barreto, also a Cameraman”. We’ve arrived early at the beach,
this open-air paradise, to end the season with a bang
and a lot of surfing. Today will be
the first round of the Brazilian Hobo Surfing
Championship. A groundbreaking event
in this sport, conceived and executed by Jonas the Hobo. We’ll do complete coverage
of the event. Don’t miss it! Surf’s up!
Aurie! -So, did you catch it?
-I don’t know. I sell mate. Fucking hell,
I gotta do everything here. SURFING TITANS
WITH AFONSO VENDRAMINI We’re here with the illustrious
presence of Mr. Soares. Mr. Soares is the owner
of channel Off, and he’s watching the event. Mr. Soares, what are your
expectations for the championship? I am very curious! I didn’t know hobos
could surf! I came to check it out. That’s great! So what can we expect
next year at channel OFF? What’s hot? Where’s the other kid? Afonso had to leave
the show. He was much better than you! You sound like a fucking celebrity
interviewer with these questions! Go film some women’s asses. There’s one! Over there! Hell yeah! Look who’s here!
Our dear hobo, Jonas. Hosting the Big Waves for Big Riders
event. Our ghetto Spider-Man
and brand-new star at channel Off. He’s riding high
on publicity campaigns. You’re everywhere, huh,
hobo? The event’s a success,
thanks to sponsorships from big companies
that got interested in us, the Rio de Janeiro city hall,
the Brazilian Olympic Committee, Coca-Cola, Pepsi,
Guaraná, Heineken, Itaipava, Ambev,
Antarctica stovepipe, the Workers’ Party, PMDB, the São Gonçalo
Maranata Church, and Neymar’s dad. That’s a lot of sponsors,
hobo. When you got a good project,
the sponsorship comes to you. Didn’t even ask them. When we got those guys, they were living in the streets,
exposed to the elements, doing petty theft, eating rotten food,
dumpster diving. We got them into sports, they loved
it, and we gave them structure. I got this imported wax
that doesn’t exist in Brazil. Some people even got into rehab
to beat their crack addiction. We want people to stop
associating hobos with alcohol, with drugs, with taking care
of stray dogs, with stealing. But those dudes are stealing
the boards. Fucking hobos, man… They went that way! Afonso? Fuck, Afonso,
you’ve gone full hobo, huh? You’re probably mistaking me
for TV host Afonso Vendramini. But that person doesn’t
inhabit this body anymore. Afonso Vendramini gave way
to Afonso Vasconcelos. A new man. With a new ID. With new official documents
and a complete startover. You just changed
your last name? It was six bucks cheaper.
That’s two lunches. Alfonso Vendramini, big rider, channel OFF superstar. Now you’re here, with my hobos.
My student. I came in peace, Jonas. Hey, it’s Jonas the Hobo
for you. I don’t want trouble,
Jonas the Hobo. There I was, sleeping on
my cardboard, under my awning. You took all that from me.
Then you filmed me, threw me out
a fucking window, and now you don’t want trouble?
So why’re you among my students? What students,
Jonas the Hobo? They’re gonna rob you! They’ve
been planning for 2 weeks! Now they’re gonna steal
a helicopter, buy firearms
and invade Paquetá! There’s a hobo mastermind
behind all this. They wanna
take over Congress! So now stealing’s a crime,
bro? You tried to kill me,
and you wanna talk about stealing? Everyone steals, dude! But not killing.
Killing’s up here, stealing’s way down there. Jonas the Hobo, forget about him.
Let’s just do the show. Forget him, my ass! Here’s the thing: you and me
get in the water. Let’s see who’s
the better shredder, bro. Get in the water? With what board?
They’re gonna use them as shields when they invade
Fort Copacabana. That special wax can resist a .45.
I’m serious, -they thought of everything!
-Fuck the wax, man! Let’s get in the water
on alligators, cardboard, I’ll kick your ass
on anything! In your face, man!
Now what, Afonso? -Gonna chicken out?
-Well? Shall we? He’s chickening out. You know what,
let’s end this thing with a bang. Let’s get in the ocean,
me and you. And the show’s finale’s
gonna be like this: Jonas the Hobo, big rider, -doing a session, all that stuff.
-Awesome. Love it. Hey, hold this shit
for me. You didn’t do shit
this season. Let’s go. Impressive! I’d never seen a fat hobo
before! -You gotta press A and B.
-We’re trying to get there. -What’s this, a videogame?
-We’re coming. Fuck!
It’s Valdemar’s camera! Holy fuck! I wonder if it captured his death.
It’d be amazing! Valdemar! Valdemar! I don’t know how to use
these new cameras. Mine’s an old Panasonic
VHS camcorder. Nothing beats
the video quality. I even offered it to Valdemar
when he asked to work on your show. He asked to work on my show? Wasn’t it you who hired him
to help me? I never hire anyone. I only use independent
contractors. Also, if I were you,
I’d go rescue him. He’s your last fan. Mr. Soares,
capture everything. If I don’t make it,
at least I’ll fulfill my contract, and you’ll have
your season finale. I don’t know
how to use this! Look at blondie over there again!
Old lady mugger! Save the fatty! Holy shit,
there’s a giant wave coming. 26ft waves, which are pretty
rare in this beach. The dolphins are
copying his movements. It’s some of the most beautiful
footage I’ve ever seen. If someone captured this,
it’d go in surfing history. Holy shit, look! Fuck, Afonso!
What did you do, man? Valdemar! So you asked to work with me
because you were a fan? No, Mr. Soares hired me
for that! The motherfucker! It’s just business, son! -I saw your camera on the sand…
-I just left it there. Give it up
for Afonso Vendramini! He rescued Valdemar! I fucking rescued him!
Just tell me you caught everything! Do some more mouth-to-mouth,
it didn’t look too good. Hey, dudes!
This is the season finale of “Homemade Surfing Titans”
with me, Afonso Vendramini. And Valdemar the Cameraman. And Barreto, also a cameraman
and mate salesman. The show looks great! Especially
the mouth-to-mouth part. We sold it
to channel ForMan. Does ForMan broadcast
surfing shows? Thank God it’s over! I’ve never felt so happy
in my life! I’d like to give thanks
to some people. I would like to thank Valdemar. -Oss!
-Oss! I would also like to apologize
to some people: Ronaldo, Jefferson, Ana, Bruno, Beth, Vander,
Rosana, Dudu, Felipe Dylon, Felipe Dylon’s mother, the nursing intern
who treated me, Jonas the Hobo…
I apologize for trying to kill you. Gilmar. I apologize
for accidentally killing you. To Mr. Soares, Rafael, Daniel, Natanael, Plínio, Ivo, Bia, Jussara, Carmen,
Paulinho from Curicica and to all of you who followed
our adventures here at channel OFF. Hang loose,
positive vibrations. Mahalo. Wait a sec.
Before wrapping up the season, -we gotta reveal a secret.
-A secret? Yes. Each one of us.
It’s in your contract. Shit!
The fucking fine print. It always gets me. But it has to be
a huge, personal secret. Something bizarre
that you’ve never told anybody. One, two… -I was born a woman!
-I impregnated Yago Machado’s dad! Fuck, Afonso,
you still drinking this? No. I’m a new man now. I don’t lie anymore. This is whiskey.
And a very cheap one! Check out our upcoming shows
at channel OFF next year! He decided to leave
his office to face
the most gigantic waves. “Gigantic” in relation
to his size. “Puppet Surfing
with Mr. Soares, Owner of Channel OFF”.
Every Monday, on OFF!

Antonio Breitenberg

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