Soccer Physics

*intro music* Matt: What’s up everybody (Ryan: Welcome to Let’s Players anonymous.) Matt: Uh. Ryan. It’s not call- ugh! Ryan: Welcome everybody, this is soccer physics. It’s a game that you’ve most likely have seen other people play but have not seen us play. Ryan: There’s no way you’ve seen us play this game before. Matt: There is absolutely – (Ryan: Zero percent chance) – zero way you have seen us play this game. Ryan: Yeah, yeah. Unless you’re in our house behind us. (Matt: I… I don’t know) But I hope it’s unlikely. Matt: I don’t know. There’s a gate and everything we… we uh across from a park. Ryan: We did put up the child proof gate so none of you can get in. *air horn noises* Ryan: Okay. So, two players obviously. (Matt: Aaalrighty) So what are my buttons again? Matt: Uh I’m W and you’re the (Ryan: oh I’m just up) alright. Matt: Okay so I’m W and Ryan is the up arrow. So I’m red, you’re blue. Ryan: Here we go. (Matt: First to five wins, here we go.) Well I have a black guy on my team, so. Matt: Aw Jesus Christ. (Ryan: Shit!) Matt: It’s all okay, it’s all black guys now. Ryan: Diversity is on both of our sides this time. Matt: Ohp… oh my god, dammit Matt: Alright, huge goals. Here we go. (Ryan: Ohp!) I’ve got some huge goals. Really my other team.. Ryan: YES!!! (Matt: F*ck!) I just have to sit back here and watch you score. *moaning noise* Matt: Ooph… ooph!? Ryan: Suck on that! (Matt: Oh my god!) Suck on these nuts. Gothee!!! Matt: Ok Ryan, enough with the Vine humor. Ok? I can only handle so much in one day. Ryan: It’s all I have. Ryan: NO!!! F*ck. Matt: Oooh! Son, you just got – you just got soccered! *air horn noises* Matt: repeatedly saying “oh” like a seal. Matt: Oh dammit dammit! (Ryan: yes yes oh! *cough*) Matt: No god dammit! (Ryan: Yes! I’m just not doing sh*t over here I’m just watching this masterpiece.) Matt: Small goals. Matt: UH pah! Matt: Small goals. (Ryan: F*ck you! F*ck you! F*ck you!) *Matt returns back in to a seal momentarily* Matt: Okay, let’s see, let’s see let’s see. BOOF Ryan: Oh my god! (Matt: I’m, I’m going to bring this to an even tie.) Angry Ryan: F*ck off! Matt: Oh. (Ryan: Yes!!!) No. No. No. No. What even! Ryan: Looks like I won that round. (Matt: Ok good job Ryan. But) Ryan: You little b*tch. (Matt: Let’s take it to the rematch) Ryan: Little b*tch. Little b*tch. (Matt: Ryan) Little b*tch. (Alright stop!) Is it reminding you of home too much? (YES!) Matt: Love you dad (*Ryan laughs* He doesn’t love you) Matt: Alright that was a little too uh. (Ryan: That is actually true your dad doesn’t love you, right?) Matt *getting annoyed* Yes Ryan, my dad doesn’t love me. (Ryan: No, no, no. It’s not. It’s this weird dynamic where your dad happens to just not love you.) Ryan: It’s not like he hates you, it’s not like he’s just a bad dad. He just didn’t have that connection with you or something. Matt: Ryan this is just… eh… not the time to talk about this. (Ryan: Eh just f*ck you.) Matt: And now I’m going to get this in your goal. (Ryan: F*ck off! Scissor me timbers, dude.) Matt: Oh my god. Are you f*cking kidding me!? (*Ryan giggles*) Why? Why like you aren’t even doing anything. Ryan: Nope! As I said I just sit back and watch. Come here. (Matt: Ooph ooph boop! Oh!) Ryan: Come here. (Matt: F*cking! Oh my god) Here we go! (Son of a b*tch!) *Ryan laughs* You are so self…you’re just self destructive. Matt: I’m like, I’m like that kid that plays foosball and knocks it into his own goal. Ryan: No, you’re the kid who plays foosball, like, by himself. Matt: In church youth group, everyone is hanging out and I’m playing foosball by myself. Ryan: In church youth group I was too busy, uh, loving on the lord. Matt: Well I was doing some of that too Ryan. (Ryan: Well I love the lord more than you Matt.) Matt: No, Ryan I love God more! (Ryan: I – no, no, no, you don’t love God more. You LOVED God more.) Ryan: NO, NO, NO, I LOVED God more. I see you trying to trick me. Matt: No, Ryan I I loved God more than you ever did. And in fact (Ryan: Why are we shirtless and headless?) Matt: That’s what all the kids are into these days. Matt: Now in fact Ryan I uh. (Ryan: F*ck you.) God loves me more than he loves you, so (F*ck!) Matt: Actually I think we have a quote from God. Uh, actually, can we pull that up on the screen? Matt: There it is. It says, uh, “I love Matt more.” – God Ryan: On his official Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. As you can see here. Matt: Ah, that’s nice. That’s nice. Thanks God. *Ryan screams F*ck* *Matt claps* Matt: Oh look who’s winning! *Monkey calls* (Ryan whines) Matt: Oh god dammit Ryan! Ryan: Well that was. Wait what’s going on? (Matt: No heads.) Matt: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Matt: Ok how are we playing soccer with no heads? I don’t understand. Ryan: The head is… uh… Matt: For these levels they should have just made the ball be the head. (Ryan: F*ck! F*ck) Ryan: There’s no way! Matt: Red wins, Ryan. Sorry there’s no uh. (Ryan: This is the tie breaker.) Matt: Alright (Both: This is the tie breaker) Ryan: Winner wins all! Matt: Alright. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. Ready? (*Ryan mumbles something*) Matt: First to five wins. Here we go baby. Ryan: F*cking! Matt: Wow that was… alright here we go. Ooph! Matt: Oh sh*it! *Ryan cheers* Yeeess! *Matt start’s fuming* Aw that was an incredible goal! Matt: Small goals like Ryan’s… like Ryan’s life and aspirations. Ryan: To work with you, yeah. Matt: Ryan? Ryan: Dude get that ball! (Matt: I’m gonna let it come back. It’s gonna come back. It’s coming back and I’m gonna! Ryan: Give us the ball dude. (Matt: What the f*ck?!) Give us the ball , dude *laughing* Ryan: Woo! (Matt: You doing a hand stand on top of the goal.) Matt: American. (Ryan: Is something whining in the background?) Yeah it’s the, it’s the stupid dog. Ryan: You know that’s my dog. (Matt: Oh that’s your dog? I’m sorry.) Probably because he misses daddy. (Aww) Matt: I miss daddy too. (Ryan: F*ck you!) To be honest I, I – oh my god. Matt: Slippery? (Ryan: Oh it’s snowing? NO!! F*ck!) *Matt Claps and laughs* Matt: Small goals plus American. Woo Matt: Ooph aw sh*t. Wow. Slippery plus American. These sound like porn categories. Matt: Alright here we go. Matt: Here we go. Here we go. (Ryan: God dammit!) Matt: Looks like we know who’s gonna win this one, Ryan! (Ryan: God I’m sliding away from it. Sliding doesn’t. What?) Ryan: Is this moon, like, gravity mode? Matt: Ryan this could be the one that ends the whole game and I win. Matt: I, I could’ve hit it right then and it probably would’ve won but I was too busy talking myself up. Matt: Aw what? *More of Matt’s Monkey Cheering* *Both “Oh my god! Oh my god!”* Ryan: Okay you win. You win this one. Matt: Okay I win this one. (Ryan: Funny boy.) Matt: Alright guys so that was soccer physics. Very fun ah little game. You can go play it online so go search it on Google play and have a good time. Ryan: Yeah just go to uh www. Ryan: Sorry, sorry. http uh uh : // www. uh *outro music*

Antonio Breitenberg

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