Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay


Welcome back to Sports Dome.
It’s the startling conffession that has the whole sports world buzzing. Soccer has come out of the coloset to tell
the world it’s gay. A FIFA spokesperson made the announcement at
a press conference earlier today. -Soccer is not ashamed of what it is.
Soccer is a gay sport. Youth league soccer, the MLS, even the world
cup, all of it is completely gay. Joining us now to discuss the impact of all
of this, is OSN Senior Analyst, Reggy Greengrass. Reggy, why did soccer choose to come out now?
-Mark league officials said that soccer was just tired of pretending to be something
it’s not. Deep down, soccer is about a bunch of guys
running around not touching poke-adot ball not touching it with their hands.
It shouldn’t have to hide how gay it is. -Now, will this change the way the game is
played? -No. If anything I think we’ll see a firmer
committment to the gayest parts of soccer, -Interesting.
-Players will free now to do their bicycle kicks, juggle the ball with their
knees. And generally just be as gay as they want to
be without worrying about what people think. -You know it must have been difficult for
soccer to hide the fact that it’s gay for so long.
-Absolutely. From ancient Greece to modern day France,
there has never been a time when soccer, wasn’t extremely gay. -Yeah and as recently as 1885 a London
tabloid ran a salacious story about soccer. -Rummors like that are what caused soccer to
go great lengths to hide it’s secret. We saw in the early 90’s when soccer tried
to project an overly macho image. Headlines by Alexi Lala. -Well in retrospect it’s so obvious soccer
was just over-compensating. -Yeah, apparently it wasn’t until David
Beckham came along that soccer began to edge it’s way out of the closet. -Yeah, and there’s even been some backlash
from within soccer. 16 year old Varsity high-school player Jeff
Goetter, he released a statement saying “I don’t
condone or accept soccer being gay, I don’t like gay things, I don’t like being
around gay things.” -Hey look. Of course alot of people arn’t
prepared to play a gays sport. -Right. -But fact of the matter is, soccer’s out.
It’s proud, it’s gonna tell the world, “look at me, I’m
gay! Yeah I’m gay.” -Gay things comes in all shapes and sizes.
Thanks Reg. When we come back, americas top high school
masscot has signed a letter of intent, to annoy people in UCLA. -Alot of networks report the news as it
happens. But only one has the power to report the
news before it happens. Through our state of the art Worm-Hole
Satelite, the Onion News Network Future Channel
brings you exclusive news transmissions, from the year 2137. Because to stay ahead in today’s world, you
need to know what’s going to happen in tomorrows.

Antonio Breitenberg

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100 thoughts on “Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

  1. Hugh says:

    what the fuck is this comment section

  2. Quiet says:

    lol, #1 sport in the world though 🤷🏽‍♂️

  3. porter weston says:

    Socker is for girls

  4. Ethan Agosta says:

    “Soccer” lmao

  5. Mohamed Redha says:

    This is the most offensive Onion video

  6. Винни Пух says:

    Why so many Europeans think that being gay is something offencive? Didn't know that you're so homophobic. Especially, for somebody who loves such a gay-sport like sucker… oh, I mean soccer.

  7. Shale says:

    Tell us something we didn't know

  8. GriefSociety says:

    2018 World Cup is gay bois

  9. FAITHandLOGIC says:

    No wonder the World Cup is on during Pride month.

  10. When the earth is turned into a gripping dungeon says:

    european soccer-interested man here, i dont get the comment outrage.

    though i guess this is what happens when you expose such an immature and ignorant audience to such a progressive movement

  11. Kuala Rompin Bandar Blackout says:

    I don't get it. Why Americans in the comment section (I believe they are Americans) think only Europeans play football/soccer? Football is not doubt is one of the most popular sport in the world. Somehow Americans only think only Europeans playing it. Meh.

  12. NavalSEALSniper & Sports says:

    I KNEW IT ALL ALONG

  13. Dávid Varga says:

    It never occurred to me before, but could this be an actual coming out disguised as a sketch? When the guy at the end says, "look at me, I'm gay, I'm gay", perhaps he's actually gay and this was a subtle, funny way of stating it publicly.

  14. Imazinary dunker says:

    Why Americans not open minded touching and pushing is normal in soccer looks like braidead Americans that got no life

  15. Czty Dun says:

    Soccer is gay

  16. imnotabotrlyimnot says:

    They should do a story on how fruity the metric system is also.

  17. Gregory Gillespie says:

    The joke is its true.

  18. Alex Decker says:

    "Soccer.. is… a gay sport"

  19. Rosco P. Coltrane says:

    Why do you do the soccer?

  20. Nebula Robo says:

    I've been know to watch some soccer and i can confirm it's gay, like me

  21. The Infinexos says:

    Luckily, swimming could never be gay, what's gay about getting wet with a bunch of other men in thongs?

    *nervously eats popcorn*

  22. LucasPelucas says:

    What the fuck Even is soccer, that's a gay name. Football, now that's a great sport. Not the bullshit sport Americans play, the REAL football

  23. Митар Миловановић says:

    Just because USA sucks dicks at football, it does not mean it's gay.
    Git Gud USA, and stop crying plz.

  24. Myotic Tesseract says:

    The dislikes? Really? This is one of the most harmless jokes ever, come on.

  25. jack scherf says:

    i agree

  26. Sorry God says:

    Say that to all the super hot soccer players' wifes and girlfriends lol

  27. valentin herrera says:

    That alexis lala but was hilarious

  28. Jaxolotle says:

    But a bunch of sweaty men slapping each other’s asses and wearing tights

  29. Absarius says:

    The first sport that comes to mind when you hear gay sport has to be Handegg. No competition. Soccer doesn't even come close.

  30. dont trust anyone even ur waifu hehehe says:

    played soccer for 19 years. I lol’d 😂

  31. Brady Gillaspie says:

    Why is soccer gay

  32. Mr Penguin says:

    Rusisian sword fighting is a mans sport

  33. Chisalajunior says:

    This comment section is just Americans claiming the Europeans are butt hurt

  34. panzertee says:

    Great job not getting political on the topic, just report the sports news as it is. Brilliant journalism!

  35. Salmon Fish says:

    7.1k soccer closet fans disliked lmao

  36. Arroу Raseliant says:

    I know its the Onion, but I think that the people whose national sport consists of big hunky men in fetish gear wrestling another guy down to grab his one ball might be projecting a little…

  37. Operator Andrew says:

    Football

  38. Sylvain Boucher says:

    Soccer makes Ricky Martin look like Chuck Norris.

  39. Dale Smith says:

    They've got a point, soccer is sometimes about a bunch of men with nice haircuts tripping over imaginary things, and pretending they didn't touch each other , and then causing a drama and crying to the referee like children.
    But what's really funny, is that in Europe all the soccer/football teams are used by the public as an instrument for them to vent their anger in a kind of tribal social bonding exercise (which is healthy), you shout for your team, you insult the other team, you get "firms" that organise to fight each other after the game. You don't get that in badminton competitions……. You don't even get that in rugby, where men settle their differences between themselves, and have the upmost respect for the refereeing team.

    I know this is the onion, but i actually think they're on to something here

  40. Sam Fess says:

    Why are the Europeans mad? We called “soccer” gay. Not “fútbol". Fútbol is lesbian

  41. Jefff says:

    I wish Reggie was real. ESPN could use a guy like that.

  42. kailianglf2 says:

    2:00 "report the news before it happens"

    you happy now?

  43. Evan Wang says:

    All these people complaining about butthurt europeans but I don't see any

  44. Mirza Lizde says:

    It’s funny how gay all Americans are all wanna marry ther cousins fuckin hill Billy’s no one likes them the whole world is so beautiful except that shit hole called America

  45. james shade says:

    Think soccer is about to pull a Kevin Spacey on us….

  46. Ambrose Ezzat says:

    Wait a minute… I thought the Onion wasn't real news…

  47. melelconquistador says:

    Good thing I watch baseball

  48. its_Legndzz says:

    I knew it! I knew it! I’ve always knew it!

  49. Ameen says:

    America has highest percentage of gays.

  50. Platypus says:

    7k Mexicans dislike dis

  51. S G says:

    I'm so disappointed that I laughed out loud at that title lmao

  52. INts feOS says:

    wooow the dislikes all gays heehehe

  53. Dinosaurus Rex says:

    Is it gay or European?

  54. iLetBlastersTalk says:

    I’m crying

  55. Andre Oval Face Dala says:

    Lmfaooooo

  56. Madeline Green says:

    i’m a soccer player and i love this lmao

  57. Magnificent Bastard says:

    It is soòo gay, that goes for all sports and their gay ass fans…. Boxing and ufc is cool for watching people have a fishy but football to basketball and baseball….. Holy fk… Gotta hate sports fans.

  58. BigDH28 says:

    😂🤣😂🤣 Im fucking dying here! 😂🤣👍👍👍👍

  59. eanna connolly says:

    No wonder soccer never took off in Ireland

  60. Dune J says:

    As a soccer player/fan I find this hilarious

  61. paulthehuman says:

    J.K Rowling watched this..

  62. Bryan Samson says:

    All downvotes are gay loving gay soccer players

  63. SmashLiXs says:

    oh please, football has muscular sweaty men tackling each other over a weirdly shaped ball. how is that not gay?

  64. Ebrahim Siyad says:

    Fuck this vid dislike

  65. VS- Btd says:

    For everyone saying soccer fans are butt hurt, imagine making the same statement about american football lol

  66. FABULOUS DOLPHIN says:

    Soccer is insanely gay
    Can confirm

  67. Beta Ray Bill says:

    The amount of dislikes proves it is actually gay.

  68. Sam Costley says:

    1% of comments: butthurt soccer fans who are mad about the video

    The other 99%: complaining about butthurt soccer fans who are mad about the video

  69. Ewan H says:

    Right. Is it just me that is the only person only seeing comments whinging about cunts being butt hurt and naecunt acc being butt hurt. Lit if fitbaws gay then Andrew Roberson better be the gayest of them all

  70. NegatingSilence says:

    WOW look at those dislikes indicating some perplexing defensiveness over something completely absurd that doesn't require any defensiveness…. hmm…

  71. Jeff Schatz says:

    Do you remember the time when we were walking to the store and we saw that guy fucking a goat and I laughed and you said Stop maaaking fun of my daaaaaaaaaaaad!

  72. J Hoeh says:

    Us Americans already knew this????

  73. Braden Williams says:

    This isn’t surprising tho

  74. Abdullah Ansari says:

    Onion have joked about about greedy Jews, the holocaust, black people, Asians and so much more. But this is what they get the most hate for??

  75. George Beeson says:

    I am huting laughing so hard I almost threw up laughing so hard

  76. Eduardo Gutierrez says:

    Soccer sucks and its gay in USA.
    Fortunately we have FOOTBALL, A WORLD KNOWN SPORT were people mostly kick a spherical ball with their feet. Football is manly in the world, soccer gay in USA XD

  77. Ricardo Flores says:

    LMAO bitches be jealous

  78. KcaJBrown says:

    Soccer is pretty damn gay

  79. Danny G says:

    Why all the dislikes? Do people not realize this is satire?

  80. Swagger Son says:

    Another reason to love soccer!

  81. Cameron Gates says:

    Soccer is gay

  82. geddoe316 says:

    The downvotes. Lol

  83. Doubting Thomas says:

    Thank satan its finally been announced

  84. Goyon Man says:

    Soccer is gay
    Football is Beautiful

  85. NosideZero says:

    The dislikes probably make this one of the best Onion videos ever.

  86. GoldThird says:

    This is relevant.

  87. Ichi Glenndevis says:

    Wait what happened? Whats with the dislikes?

    Soccer fans triggered?
    Or gays troggered coz theyre being associated with soccer?

    Nah just idiots taking this seriously.

  88. Macckah MacMahca says:

    Breaking news american football tested to be clinically retarded while local fans mistake full time for a break in play. Stayed cheering for an hour before anyone realised something seemed fishy.

  89. MrTeucro99 says:

    Soccer its gay, good thing the sport its called football and its play with feet and a ball you god damn backwards ass obese cheeseburger eating fucks. I love the onion.

  90. Omar Amoodi says:

    I have never been much of a Sports fan, Born and live in London UK, and I'm old enough to remember the IRA bombing campaigns in London ( sorry to go all serious ) and the football violence of the 70s & 80s. How times have changed, I don't think making a joke like this when football related violence was at its peak here in the UK would have been tolerated, I can't imagine anyone joking like this about football back then. I'm sorry if there has been a bit of a backlash against this comidy sketch. To be fair, it always seemed a bit odd that America was one of the few countries in the world that never played football, and that play's team sports that no other, or very few ( please correct me if I'm wrong ) countries compete in. Some great comidy from this channel here, glad I found onion news.

  91. Mkd Mkd says:

    This was so good, but americans are the real butthurts here. They wouldn't do this sketch if football wasn't the best sport in the world. 4 billion fans around the world and americans still can't see football's importance, so they have to make it gay.

  92. christopher draper says:

    A bunch of scrawny soccer players running around with their manbuns and tight shorts on will always be gay.

  93. MattTheWaffleCat says:

    If ya'll want to see the butthurt comments you gotta sort by newest first

  94. VortexGaming B says:

    Soccer not gay you fucking retarted

  95. Kade Karim says:

    Comment Section of this Video:
    50% These butthurt soccer players are so funny to watch
    49.9% 7.2K "X" disliked
    .1% Butthurt soccer players

    I see the like to dislike ratio but where are these people?

  96. Milad Antoine says:

    A lot of people here miss the point, Soccer fans aren't mad for calling their sport gay,, they are mad because people fucking calling it soccer and not football.

  97. Jah says:

    Lmao the onion is so funny

  98. Titus Rivers says:

    I'm from Australia and I like contact sports but I also like soccer. The thing I don't like though is the gay diving around and pretending your hurt. I don't care if it wins your team a penalty or worse gets the other team sent off(Neymar) Play fairly. This is the part of soccer that people are calling gay not really the sport itself. Also the low scoring can be boring. Growing up in Australia we are taught not to go down easy or let your opponent knock you down playing rugby or Australian rules football, so if I play soccer I'm not letting anyone knock me down even if I can win a penalty. One more thing Griezmann diving in the world cup against Australia and in the world cup final against Croatia a disgrace.

  99. Ratha says:

    I wanted to read the comments on the triggered people who disliked this video, but all I can find are the comments about those comments:/

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