Jenny Hagel Recaps the US Women’s Soccer Team’s World Cup Win


-The women’s World Cup
ended last week. Here with the highlights
of the tournament, please welcome one of our
writers, Jenny Hagel, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, everybody! The World Cup wrapped up last
week, and it was incredible! First, some teams
played each other and some qualified
and some didn’t — yada, yada — but the whole thing
really kicked off when U.S. player Megan Rapinoe had this exchange
with a reporter. -Are you excited about
going to the White House? -[ Scoffs ] I’m not going
to the [bleep] White House. [ Laughter ] -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] When that happened, lesbians
were like, “I love her.” And straight women were like,
“Am I straight?” [ Laughter ] Then the team
beat Thailand and Spain, and then Megan Rapinoe
sat out a game, and everyone in America
was like, “Oh [bleep]
is my girlfriend okay?” [ Laughter ] -Sorry, Jenny. This is great,
but I thought you were gonna go over the highlights
of the World Cup. -Seth, I’m a lesbian.
These are the highlights. [ Laughter ] Then the President tweeted, “Megan should win first
before she talks. Finish the job!” And then Rapinoe
scored two goals against France and ran to the sidelines
and did this. And you know
what the President said then? [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, you know what
the President said then? -What?
-Jack [bleep] ’cause that’s
the dopest comeback ever. [ Laughter ] Yeah. Last night, I tried
to buy milk at a bodega, and they were like,
“We don’t take debit cards,” and I was like,
“I have exact change, bitch!” [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Then, the U.S. beat England
and the Netherlands and became the world champs
for the second time in a row. And not only that, Megan Rapinoe
is here tonight to celebrate! [ Cheers and applause ] It was a great ending
for straight fans. For lesbians,
it was just the beginning. Because then,
things got very gay. Player Kelley O’Hara
ran into the stands and kissed her girlfriend, even though she wasn’t even
officially out. What a badass way to come out! I came out in my apartment
by whispering to my straight roommate,
“I think I like girls.” And then she said, “Okay,” and then we just went back
to watching “Dawson’s Creek.” [ Laughter ] Then, goalkeeper Ashlyn Harris posted a picture of herself
wearing this. Look at that outfit!
[ Cheers and applause ] It’s like she’s the CEO of
a company that makes lesbians. [ Laughter ] And then, Rapinoe rolled up to
an interview with Rachel Maddow looking like some kind of
sexy Tim Burton character. [ Laughter ] It’s like Jack the Pumpkin King
had a hot gay sister. [ Laughter ] But don’t worry —
Rachel Maddow is a professional, and she meets high-profile
people all the time, so you can totally count on her
to keep her cool. -You — You, um… You’re really good at talking. I’m still so nervous. [ Laughter ] -Look how flustered she got! That’s how other lesbians act
when they meet Rachel Maddow! Hoo! It was truly the gayest
week America has ever seen. [ Laughter and cheers ] Now, I just want to say, I know
the U.S. Women’s National Team is not just made up of lesbians, and every team member’s
contributions to the World Cup were incredible. But it was a big deal this week
to watch the gay members of the team be so out and proud and unapologetic
about who they are and for the whole country
to be so on board with it. For once,
Americans were into lesbians but not in a creepy way. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] I’m a lesbian, I’m a woman,
and I’m also Hispanic, so there hasn’t been a lot of
great news for me lately. But watching America go,
in just a few years, from this to this, that makes me proud
to be an American. [ Cheers and applause ] -Jenny Hagel, everybody!

Antonio Breitenberg

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