[Nostalgia Critic Opening] [soft music plays] Little Girl: Wow! So this is where all the Nostalgia Critic
episodes were filmed years ago! Aunt Despair: You got it, bucko. They kept everything the same to preserve its history. Look at all the reviews that they did. There’s Shrek. There’s Schindler’s List Saves Christmas. …And that one. But this, this is what I really wanted to show you. Little Girl: Is that the DVD from the Balto review, Aunt Despair? Aunt Despair: Yep. And I was there when it was shot. Little Girl: *Gasp!* You mean it’s a true story? Aunt Despair: Based. It’s based on a true story. Little Girl: Wow! Would you mind telling me the tale, Aunt Despair? Aunt: After I have a sip of my storytelling sauce. Girl: Oh, the same sauce that makes you
good at slo-mo leapfrog with men? Aunt: Our story begins on the Nostalgia Critic
sitting down at the desk he normally does. NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don’t have to. Let’s talk about a little film called “Balto”. (Calming guitar music plays) Despite it doing poorly with both critics and box office, the film eventually found success on home video, leading to a ton of VHS and DVD sales. So, I guess it got the reputation of the
not really little film that not really could but turned in a profit eventually anyway, so.. Table scrap sequels for all! Based on a true story, it covers a dog sled that has to race against time to get medicine to a town full of dying children. Even though it’s gathered a nostalgic following, we should still ask “does the film really hold up years later?” Whether it does or doesn’t, we’re not gonna get any movies about heroic cat sleds, are we? Deranged Cat: Hey! I resent that! [Laughs] Cat: HAA! Little Girl: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. There’s talking animals in this? Aunt Despair:Sure, why not? Girl:I thought you said this was a true story? Aunt:Based…based. Girl: Did you just hallucinate that there were talking animals? Aunt: It’s possible. I just added nicotine patches to my
daily smoking, so I’m feeling a little queasy. I’m gonna lay down. Girl: But what about the story? Aunt: Okay. Are you gonna shut up or are you gonna
keep being little Miss Youtube Comments? Girl: Okay. I’m sorry. Aunt: That’s better. [coughs loudly] That’s a good high. Anyways, the Critic started his review… NC: Let’s take a look at Balto. So, this animated story about a dog racing across Alaska opens with live action people in the middle of New York. You sure we didn’t put on
Professor Sprout Visits the Muggleverse? A woman and her grandchild
are looking for a memorial site as she decides to force the kid to sit on a bench
for an hour and a half while she tells the story. Movie grandma:”In the cold winter of 1925…” “It was snowing hard.” NC: “Things were animated back then.” “I dare even say, with a Spielberg vibe.” We see Alaska’s portrayal of “Ben Fur”. [crowd booing] As we’re introduced to our half wolf,
half dog hybrid: Balto. Played by Kevin Bacon. He’s also joined by a goose played by I think Bob Hoskins’s drunken rants
from the Super Mario Bros. movie. “When will you learn to stay on the sidelines!?” Aw, it’s his best Russian accent since
Enemy at the Gates. “Stalingrad.” They’re watching a sled race led by a dog named Steele, who is so mean that literally every frame is
determined to convince you he’s pure evil. “Get out of here, wolf-dog.” “You better get back to your pack.” “Well, maybe your taste runs more toward wolf…” “Jenna, join me for dinner…” I’ve never seen a bad guy where every second he’s moving in some sort of obviously diabolical manner. “You were the fastest…what?” “Oh…” [bones cracking] “Most villains have some normal everyday movements, but 24-7 this guy is like: “Would you like some ice cream?” “You can trust me!” “I’m oozing with pleasantness!” Every angle is evil except for maybe this one that… that looks like a girl’s t-shirt from an Anime Con. But look at this, even when he’s turning around
he looks evil! “I’m sorry, Balto. Balto the halfbreed.” [jeering] “Oh, you want me to turn around? Okay!” “Yaaaahahaha!” “Oh, you want me to do it again?” Everybody mocks Balto for being a hybrid. The humans are afraid of him
and the dogs think he’s an outcast leading to probably the film’s most poignant line. “Not a dog. Not a wolf.” “All he knows is what he is not.” Wow, that was actually pretty heavy. How are you gonna follow
something as complex as that up? [clicking and squeaking] So, that just happened. Oh, there’s also Bob Hoskins doing the goose step. “Hey!” “Hey!” So at this point, you’re probably wondering
where does the comedy in this kid’s film lie particularly with the goose? Is this Lego Batman good or are we in Nut Job territory? Well, let’s look at the chart. Nostalgia Critic: Yes…yes…
Damn it! Just annoying enough! They’ve entered the Sinbad Zone! Oh, there’s also these…I think polar bears though they look more like moogles if they ate Chien-po. And to possibly make things worse,
they’re voiced by Phil Collins. “We love you, Uncle Boris!” Oh, christ! Not a musical. Oh, you are a kind movie. So, while having fun at beautiful o’ clock
and presumably striking a trailer pose, Let me see here…yep! That’s some compressed enchantment. Bad news seems to be rolling in. [clicking and beeping] Nostalgia Critic: “Movie lagging. Need story.
Send disease. Preferably child-killing.” [ding] There ya go! A horrible epidemic seems to be sweeping the town as Rosie, the woman telling the story shown here as a kid, is being comforted by her dog, Jenna,
played by Bridget Fonda. [coughs] “Rosie! Come on, you’re gonna catch
your death out here.” Nostalgia Critic: “Come and catch it inside,
it’s a stronger visual for younger viewers.” Jenna: “Hi.” “Hi.” “Rosie’s in there.” “In a hospital? Why?” Balto, of course, has the hots for Jenna but
she’s too distracted by what’ll happen to Rosie. “I know how to find out, come on.” Based on a true story. If your dog can’t do that, he’s stupid. Doctor: “Looks like diphtheria.” “And I’m out of antitoxin…” Balto: [whispers] “Jenna!” “Jenna, I’m sorry!” Nostalgia Critic: “You know
I’m voiced by Kevin Bacon, right?” “And I like eating bacon.
So that’s like…two degrees of me?” Thus a dog sled race will be done to determine
which dogs will go out to get the medicine. …Which you’d think they’ve figured out
from the races they just had. Time’s a factor here, guys. Of course, though, Balto enters himself in. “Do you honestly think any Musher
would ever put you on his team?” “You’re even more mixed up than I thought.” HA! Joke’s on you. Years from now they’re going
to name a Shaquille O Neal movie after you! “–as long as the medicine gets through.
Stop being such a glory hound!” “You’re a hundred percent right, Jenna. I-I…
I wasn’t thinking about those children.” Nostalgia Critic: Good Lord! It’s like his face has ten different personalities
and they all eat children! “I’m gonna fold you five ways… and leave you for a cat toy!” “Then you’ll be a part of awkward punchlines like THIS!” [squeaking] “SHAAAME!” So, while Indiana Jones starts his winter vacation, the dog sled, led by Steele, travels through the snow to get the medicine. [train whistle blows] Nostalgia Critic: “This is the Polar ‘Not-Goin-Anywhere’!” “Please hand over your one-way ticket to diphtheria.” “Maybe we should go back! We’re lost!” “I am not lost!” Yeah, you know, dogs really are the worst with directions. It’s like when I let my dog drive. Alright, just back out nice and smooth. [loud explosion] Wait a minute! He let a dog drive? I guess. This true story of yours doesn’t
seem to make very much sense. Why would anybody let a dog drive? Shouldn’t it be the human who’s doing the driving? Look, I’m telling this story to a kid, of course, I’m gonna take some creative liberties because I think you’re dumb. How much of your story is actually true? The Critic continues his review,
-Oh, my god. talking about when one of the dogs gets the bad news. [barking] “It’s terrible, my friends. Just terrible.” “I speak bark.” “Which I thought we were all speaking,
but apparently not.” It looks like the sled is missing in the storm. Well, okay.
I’m sure a slight delay won’t be a major issue– OH GOD!! Sh*t’s getting real man! I’m just assuming the other coffins are for Tiny Tim, Little Match Girl and Full Metal Alchemist spoiler! Don’t act like that can’t happen!
There’s dogs in this world! Sugar-fried Jesus, what do you
follow a scene like that up with? “When you are big frozen stiff statue named Balto,” Nostalgia Critic: Oh, yes. The comedy stylings of characters you’d much rather eat than listen to. This seems totally appropriate now. “I am beginning to understand the bear!” [clapping] Oh, what a shame this isn’t a musical. Could you see Phil Collins obnoxiously explaining in song what doesn’t need to be explained? [music] [sniffs] “I smell boyfriend material.” “Balto…” Jenna figures out Balto’s going to
find the sled and deliver the medicine. He marks his trail by scratching the trees because a… dog and wolf’s sense of smell would just get him lost. as we see Stelle’s gang is in big trouble. [screaming] Nostalgia Critic: “I call it! Let’s eat him!” “Come on, you act like you
never ate human flesh before!” But our heroes come across the biggest threat in animated movies: a bear! [roaring] Nooo! Don’t you know they ruin animated films now? Open Season, Brother Bear, Brave, Norm of the North, Their destruction knows no rewrites! Speaking of which, even as black bears go,
that is a pretty damn black bear! Did he bathe in ink after swimming
through oil from a lake in Sin City? He’s so black, his blood is coffee! But Jenna saves the day as
they lead the bear into the ice. [loud splashing] Nostalgia Critic: “That’s right! Return to your home planet, whatever species you were supposed to be!” Muk: “Jeronimo!” Nostalgia Critic: There ya go!
Go save him, polar bears rather than fight the… other bear that you should technically be bigger than. Is this like when Pluto’s on a leash but
Goofy can walk around, we just don’t question it? But Jenna damages her leg, so the comic “relief” take her back while Balto moves forward, eventually meeting up with the sled. “I’ll get us back!” “I’m the lead dog! I’m in charge! “Two bones says Steele takes him.” “Heh. You’re on.” Gambling dogs, this must be
Michael Vick’s favorite scene. Phew! Had to blow the dust off that one. But Steele wants the glory, so he fights Balto
despite him not fighting back. Thank God kid’s films favor passivism,
because Steele falls off a cliff mid ass beating. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead, dead dead. Oh, I mean totally alive. But even with Balto leading the way, Steele still manages to stop the medicine from getting to dying kids. “Go ahead wolf-dog!” “You’ll never get home!” “How about over here!?” [scraping] “Whoops! Wrong way!” Holy sh*t! What is wrong with this character!? This is a village of kids that are going to die! Bad dog! BAD DOG! “I’ll show em.” “I’m also gonna create three new
cancers as soon as I get home!” So Balto, as well, loses his way
but is determined to move forward… …right off a cliff. [yelling] Well, it’s all okay now–oh, spoke too soon. “Look out!” Well, it’s all okay now– Oh, good Lord! Gravity was nicer to its main character! Both the movie and the concept! Meanwhile, back at the village, the others try to figure why Balto went looking for them. “He’s tracking them.” “–tracking a championship team in a blizzard?” [laughter] [laughs] Kids are dying still, you gotta laugh, don’t ya? [laughter] But Steele makes it back. He tells them the false story about how
Balto tried to sabotage the mission ending up with the other dogs getting killed. “I went on…dragging the medicine alone. All alone.” “Balto…he demanded I let him take the medicine!” “But couldn’t handle it!” “He…made me promise to take care of you, Jenna.” Wow… This guy is such an obvious, yet evil, liar,
he should probably get a job at the White House. [crowd chattering] “The other dogs died and I was the only one left. PERIOD.” “Also, the race I was a part of had the largest audience to ever witness a dog sled race. PERIOD. “But sir, we have eyes…” “YOU’RE EYES ARE WRONG!” “It’s an alternative bark!” “But Melissa–,” “Stop calling me that!” But Jenna doesn’t believe him and knows that Balto is still out there trying to get the medicine for poor Rosie. [music] Rosie: [wheezing] Hey, do you have any nicotine patches? No, and what they hell are you doing here? Well, I’ve been coughing up a lung on your couch I figured if I was light headed, I wouldn’t mind so much. Why are you sleeping on my couch? It’s a nice couch. GET OUT OF HERE! Okay. DUDE! That’s your only contribution to this story? Just laying in bed and coughing? Maybe. How did you know that any of this was going on then? You weren’t there, you didn’t see it and the
majority of it sounds unimpressively made up! Look, kid, what am I supposed to say here? “And then I looked at the ceiling longer.” “And then I coughed 87 more times.” I’ve got to embellish. Is any of this story true!? Come on, is it so hard to believe that I was lost,
passed out and annoying people? I guess that’s a good point. Speaking of which, go get me some gin from the fridge. I’m gonna see how many shots it
takes to forget your name. Hey guys! You want to meet me, the Channel Awesome Team and see the premier of one of our reviews on the big screen? Well you can! On May 3rd at Hollywood Boulevard
Theater in Woodridge, Illinois We’ll be premiering our clip-less review of
Suicide Squad. This is one of the best movie theaters you’ll ever go to. It has memorabilia, themed theaters, food, alcohol, relaxing chairs and of course us! We’ll be signing autographs in the lobby at
7 PM and start the show at 9 and we’ll even do a Q&A right after. Tickets are 20 dollars and you can get them at link below at TheAwesomeStore.com Show does require the purchase of a food or drink and we will verify purchased tickets at the event,
and hand out your printed tickets there. Guys, we’ve never done this before,
so we have no idea how fast tickets are gonna go, so, best get them as early as you can. Come say hi, enjoy the show
and hopefully, we’ll see you there! So, Balto is separated from his team
and still has the medicine but comes across– [orchestral music plays] Kimba the White Wolf? [howling] Nostalgia Critic: “Welp, that’s all I got.” “I went all ‘roooo’ man. To us, that’s like brain surgery.” [howling] So, apparently, that gives him superpowers
to drag the medicine up a cliff. How do you think Grandma explained that? Nostalgia Critic: “And then the god
of the wolves came or something…”
-“Wait, what?” “And then they howled at the sky, making Balto physically stronger, I guess…” “-I’m not following any of this…” “And even though that wolf could’ve helped pull the sled or give directions, he just kind of disappeared and was never seen again.” “Grandma, are you off your meds?” “They make me catch the gay!” So, the team is back on track
as Balto uses his nose to find the way. Why didn’t he just use that before? Is that like a weird prejudice too,
dogs don’t sniff to find stuff? “How dare you use your nose!?” “Don’t you know what disgusting
animal you’re sounding like?” “Toucan Sam.” But because this film loves to punish all signs of hope, it tries to toss them off a bridge. Followed by an avalanche. Oh, come on! [suspensful music plays] [rumbling] The moral of the story is “nature sucks,” kids. Don’t play in the snow, it’ll someday fight back! [loud crashing] Hey, you know what’s missing in this scene? A Phil Collins song. They get trapped inside a cave where the movie
reminds us that Spielberg produced this film. “Oh…” “I’ll be right in my legal authority to satirize this property.” But, if that two seconds of
levity was overbearing, don’t worry, because giant killer icicles are after them now. [crashing] [explosions and yelling] Oh, look! The medicine crate has a crack in it too. [glass crashing] “FUCK YOU!!” They should call this movie They do eventually make it out though as Jenna reflects some bottles that apparently light up the entire town which Balto would have plainly seen anyway,
so it was kind of pointless. “Balto’s back!” [howling] Ooh…and a meteor hits him. I’m so sorry, kids. Life just didn’t like this dog.
Nature is kind of like God’s hitman. But news reaches Steele about Balto’s return,
which pisses off the rest. Steele: “Okay, okay… I can explain.” “You guys weren’t there, so you don’t…” “Wait, guys! Wait, just a second…” “Oh, come on!
I was trying to do a reverse Cruella De Vil!” “You know, an evil dog that
wants to kill a bunch of little kids.” “I will be on someone’s Best Villains List!” The medicine is received,
Balto gives a hat made from his brethren and Jenna gives him the equivalent of dog frenching. Well, this is such a joyous occasion,
let’s give Balto absolutely no lines what-so-ever! Yeah, I’m not even kidding. He doesn’t speak in the last 25 minutes of this movie. They cut his dialogue aside from an occasional word like “Oof!” or “Ahh!” The other dogs get a lot of lines, but for
whatever reason, Balto is almost completely silent. Then again, that might be for the best. With everything they threw at him, his dialogue
probably wouldn’t be very kid friendly. Nostalgia Critic: “Ah, shit!” “God damn it!” [loud rumbling] “Seriously, did I run over a leprechaun?
What is with the bullshit bad luck!?” Girl: “This is it, Grandma! Blaze found it!” So, Rosie’s story seems to be over as they find the monument dedicated to the dogs that made that journey. “-in the winter of 1925.” “Balto really did do all of that, didn’t he, Grandma?” “Oh, yes, sweetheart. He really did.” I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. Come on, let the kids have their “true story.” -Okay! Balto…facts. You’re not gonna like it. You’re REALLY no gonna like it. [clears throat]
Balto did not run the longest nor
most hazardous part of the journey. The most dangerous and
longest run was led by a dog named Togo driven by a musher named Seppala. In fact, there were twenty mushers of
varying dogs used to make the journey. Balto just happened to be the last one,
so he got the majority of the credit. While Seppala and Togo did the hardest work,
it was Balto that got all the fame. Even from President Calvin Coolidge. In fact, there was such a hatred for
Balto getting all the credit that him and his owner- -weren’t even welcome to the award ceremony
in New York for Seppala and Togo. This was all BULLSHIT, wasn’t it!? Well, there was an incredible review
done entirely by the Nostalgia Critic. -Ah, there it is. [gasps] About time I film this sucker. Wait a minute! Nostalgia Critic is still alive
and he hasn’t even filmed the review yet!? Well, no…Random Kid. I was just about to,
but I had to get the script from my brother. You see, I was sick,
so he wrote the majority of it this week. Oh, my god… So, we’re not even in the future, are we!? You’re a special kid, aren’t ya? But what about the text that says we are? Oh, that’s just my satanic arts. [creepy choir music plays] You lied! You lied about practically everything! Okay, look.
Maybe everything didn’t happen like I said, maybe credit was given to the wrong person
and maybe like 98% of what you heard was false. But…did you have fun? I guess. Was it corny but beautiful at times? I suppose… And did you know anything at all
about these dogs saving kids before I told you? Not really. Well, then! For pulling most of this out of my ass,
I’d say we had a pretty entertaining time. Well, I never thought of it like that. Hey, Critic, what did you think of Balto, by the way? Basically, that. Oh, wow! Maybe there’s more truth to fiction than I thought! -Actually, there isn’t, that was just a huge coincidence. Speaking of which, why did you
bring her here, to begin with? Oh, I just wanted to leave her here
so I didn’t have to tell her that both parents died from double erotic asphyxiation. [silence] Well, that backfired. She’s all your, Critic! What kept you!?
-A child’s mind is very delicate. Floor it! [engine roaring] [sniffling] Don’t worry, I know a certain long faced, balding big toothed comedian who would love to take care of you. Oh… [yelps] Nostalgia Critic: She’s all yours, Chester. Oh my god! I’m a mother! [crying] [Nostalgia Critic theme song plays] Steele: Well, maybe your taste runs more toward wolf. Hey, Doug Walker here doing the charity shoutout. And this week, we’re doing ‘The One Acre Fund’ This organization empowers chronically hungry farm families in East Africa to lift themselves out of hunger and poverty. They supply small holder farms with the financing and training they need to grow their way out. They invest in farmers to generate a permanent gain in farm income. That means they provide a complete service; bundles of seeds and fertilizer, financing, training, and deliver these services within walking distance of the four hundred thousands rural farmers they serve. They measure success in their ability to make farmers more prosperous and they always put the farmers first. If you go to their YouTube page, you can see all the various people they helped in the past and if you go to their site, you can how YOU can help them in their mission. Click on the link and see how you can grow something truly special.